Let's start with the positives. Since April 2015, I have:
- Gotten married to my best friend/Pass to the Left podcast
co-host. - Adopted a Shih Tzu whom I have named George. There were many reasons why I chose that name, but mostly, it just fits. Look at him.
- Taken two vacations in which I did absolutely nothing except play copious amounts of video games.
- Taken on two new human residents.
The negatives are also semi-associated with the positives. I love my husband and my dog and my new roommates very much. They are the silver linings to all the bad stuff going on. I, however, am coming to grips with the fact that I am, by nature, a miserable piece of shit who never really feels happy. Things delight me sometimes. Things pleasantly surprise me and things make me smile. But that good, strong happy feeling is and has always been eerily absent.
My theory is...
I'm a writer, see. And writers need to be alcoholics or drug addicts or pill poppers or murderers or felons or teetering on madness. And if they can't be any or all of those things, then the least they can be is unhappy. In my life, I have always had writing to fall back on and make light of whatever shitty thing was happening and in doing so, I have accidentally carved my niche as a poet with "a gift for self-depreciation". A poet who "[has] the tortured/funny bit down". It could be worse. I could be unhappy AND a terrible writer. But I think, so long as I keep weaving my troubles into literature, I'll never really be happy.
So what's my solution?
I have fought what I know is my purpose for many years now. I have tried to quit writing a thousand times and each time, my muse came back stronger than ever. I know I will never be able to STOP doing it. I accept that now. So if I can't fight it, you'd better damn believe I aims to Join It. I am starting to formulate a plan that will thoroughly and unapologetically exploit my life experiences. All of them. From personal tragedies to romantic adventures and all the touchy subjects in between. Like seriously. I'm going to touch everyone with my subjects. Of course I'll be writing it in short story form. I won't use any real names and there will be some creative liberties taken to spruce up things I can't quite remember. And only YOU, who is reading this blog post, will be any the wiser.
Wish me luck.
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