The Money Blog

Here's an entire blog dedicated to bitching about money. You've been told upfront. Leave now or forever hold your piece of a piece (and you were lucky to get that!).

We all seated? Good.

I hate money. I fucking Hate it. If money were an innocent race of people and I were an insane dictator, I might build sadistic furnaces just to burn money slowly. Is that colorful enough? Are we on the same page? I Fucking Hate Money.

Now, let's put that aside and address some basics. Uh. Everything requires money.

I don't feel the need to give any examples, but virtually anything you can think of costs Something. Picking your nose is free? Really? You gonna wash that finger with FREE soap and water? You gonna wipe it off with a FREE paper towel?

You just gonna eat it? Well, actually, that might be free.

So we've established that, short of eating your own waste, nothing is free.

So how do we make this magical money with which to feed and clothe ourselves? We get Jobs! I fucking LOVE work. Love it. It gets you out of the house. Gives you a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Teaches you new skills. And, most importantly, They Pay You! If Work were a big-tittied young blonde and I were a decrepit old man, I would shower all my fortune onto her until I died hopelessly alone in exchange for almost nothing. Except a handjob, maybe. Nothing is free, remember? I think working for a living is about the greatest feeling in the world.

That is,

until work no longer supports your living. 

By some crazy, fantastic miracle, most everyone finds a job that affords them the basics. Heck, you work hard enough, you might even be able to afford a few extras. A dog. A gym membership. An unhealthy appreciation for James Franco (that's movies AND books. I'm not speaking personally, of course). By some wonderful law of life, most people are able to do this for a time. So what happens? Well. Life.

Maybe you get married. Maybe you have a kid.

Maybe you or someone you love gets sick.

Maybe a combination of those things. Maybe your dog dies.

Maybe your job cuts your hours. Maybe they fire you altogether.

Maybe there's a fire. Maybe there's a flood. 

Maybe your car gets totaled by some drunk goddamn asshole.

Maybe your relationship doesn't work out.

Maybe the IRS shoves its fist up your ass at tax time. 

I don't believe in drowning in What-If's because whether you choose to or not,

they drown themselves in You sooner or later. 

So you cut out a few things. You eat cheaper. Ramen. Jack in the Box. You put on weight as a result, but you sure ain't buyin' no $8 salad. You hold off on buying new clothes. Yours wear and tear and your shoes blow out. Your feet hurt. But you keep going. You unplug everything you aren't using all the time. You sit through the summer heat because the A/C would run your bill too high. You tell yourself the sweating will combat the extra weight you've gained. Everything will be fine.

And it is.

Until. You know. Life.

You start selling your shit. Pawn what you really don't want to lose. They get to know you. Intimately. You go there so often that they don't even ask for your license anymore. You drop your gym membership and pick up a second job. You're tired. You're probably sick, but God knows you can't afford the doctor. Not even with your insurance. Not even with two jobs. 

And you go until things get better or worse. 

Maybe you find a new job. Maybe you get a raise. Maybe you marry some rich asshole. I don't know Why they're an asshole. They just are. 

Maybe you invent something! Maybe you start up a band in your garage

and go on to become a multimillionaire phenomenon. 

Or maybe.

You know.

Life. 

This probably sounds very hopeless.

And it is. I have no part C to this blog. 

You live till you die and comfort yourself in knowing that you weren't allowed to take any of it with you anyways. Oh. The coffin costs money, though.

So don't forget to start saving up for that.