Parade Candy 2 - The Halloween Edition

In case you missed the 1st Parade Candy, you can find it HERE.

Slutty Costumes

It may surprise some of you to learn that I am not anti-slutty costume. I think if I had been born with The Goods, I'd probably find the same comforting excuse to let men, women, and children see the Fill Line on my tits. Do tits have fill lines? Shows how much I know. I do think, though, that other Equally worthy costume ideas are forced to take a back seat to these raunchy renditions of relatively non-sexy things. Granted, I'm sure the back seat has the Best view in the house, but what ever happened to wanting to be, oh, I don't know...A GODDAMN MASCOT GRADE HOTDOG?? You knew this was coming. Every year. For the rest of my life. Until my dream is realized. Have you ever taken a stroll over to the kid costumes? They get to be crayons. Loaves of bread. Carrots. Fun stuff! And what do we adults get? Bottles of beer and slutty Ebola hazmat suits. It's enough to make you want to boycott Halloween altogether, I tell you. If any of youse guise ever wants to host a Common Kitchen Items costume party, I am So Totally There. 

Trick or Treat or LSD

Alright, alright. I laugh every year the news warns us of the dangers lurking inside your kid's pack of Smarties. Not because I think drugging kids is funny, necessarily. Maybe I just know how LSD made me feel and the thought of some kid munching away on PEZ when, all of the sudden, his Tony the Tiger costume comes to life and tells him to take better care of his teeth. Well. That just makes me laugh, is all.

I am a huge fan of trick-or-treating, though. Sorting through your candy at the end of the night is one of the greater feelings a kid can have. They know mom and dad give them everything. They know nothing is really Theirs. But dumping all that candy out that you had to freeze your ass off going door to door to get. It makes you feel like a real lottery winner. Then you get to trade candy to your siblings and friends. Teaches kids about the concept of supply and demand. Terrific.

As a bit of a side note, I will say that trick-or-treating during the day is more and more the way to go, it seems. Not only is it usually downright arctic at night, but people are less and less attentive on the roads with these newfangled phones of theirs. People ruin everything...

Blowing a Financial Load on Decor

I get it. Some people are really into celebrating the holidays. I, myself, happen to love driving through neighborhoods at night, not just in the hopes that I might catch someone having sex through their windows, but to see how creative and exuberant some people are. However. If you spend more than $100 on decorations, you're a fool. A well-to-do fool, sure. But a fool nonetheless. Spend that money on something worthwhile like charity or Research on how to create your very own mascot grade hotdog suit at home! Geez. I need to be put in charge of something. There's just no other way to put it. 

Haunted Houses

Much like excessive decoration, blowing money to go to a haunted house is ridiculous. Do you have a grandparent? Know where their house is? Good. Go there. That shit is actually haunted, as opposed to some jerk off in a black bathrobe chasing you around with his rubber object. Uh. I think we're still talking about haunted houses... I have never understood the concept of Wanting to be scared. I am not big on rollercoasters or extreme sports (skydiving, for instance) or walking down Allen at any time of day. It's just not safe, you know? The potential for disaster lurks uncomfortably close and while that turns some people on, it just makes me want to call my mom and tell her that I did good and that I'm okay. Now, a Real haunted house is another matter entirely. I mean, I still want no part of it, but I can more easily understand a person's fascination with the paranormal. More than that, people who live in actually haunted hosues won't usually charge you to hang out there for a night. If anything, they might pay you to take the place off their hands entirely! 

That concludes the Halloween Edition of Parade Candy!

Feel free to leave a comment below if there's anything you'd like my personal, super professional opinion on!