The Epic Erosion of Holiday Blues (Holidays Blow No Mo')

Let me start this off by saying that I'm almost sorry that I came up with such an awesome title to this blog. Nothing I write will live up to it. I do that, sometimes. 

So! Let me give you a little backstory. 

I hate the holidays. Forgive my little Charlie Brown harrumph here, but the purposeful commercial intent of making people feel like their love for family and friends means nothing if it isn't wrapped up and neatly placed under a displaced tree, well it just bums me the fuck out. And it isn't even so much that I don't want to buy nice things for my loved ones. On the contrary, I am so wrapped up in that Love with a Gift Receipt shit that all-too-often, I find myself too damn broke to show how much I really do care about people. 

By this token, people who CAN afford things piss me off. When I worked retail, it was all I could do to not gnash my teeth and demand to know what they did to deserve it. I know, I know, what the fuck is the matter with me, right? Just hear me out. I like to think I work hard. I like to think that I am responsible and dependable and all the things that should qualify a person to buy ridiculously expensive things. But I never could. I don't think I ever will. Combine the depression of feeling inadequate with the anger of envy and resentment and you get every Christmas for the last ten years of my life. Well you'll never guess what.

For the first time in my adult life, I don't feel anything. I don't feel cheap or obligated. I don't feel angry or spiteful. I don't feel anything. Nothing at all. And I have no idea what to attribute this Christmas miracle to. I've been out of retail for 6 years, but only now, in my 27th year of existence, has nothing bothered me. I got my family some lame gifts. I got my husband a lame gift. I bought lame gifts for them and used my bonus money to buy some Fort Worth Symphony tickets for myself. So perhaps I feel differently (meaning nothing at all) because, for once, I did something selfish and it feels as good as people make it look. I won't make it a habit, but damn, it feels good to drive past fancifully decorated houses and not want to drive through them instead. 

On a semi-related note,

I've been having some heart trouble recently. Well, I say recently, it's been a few months now. I think by the Grace of God, I am not adding stress onto an already explosive situation there. I've been eating better. Trying to get more sleep. I got my review at work and I feel encouraged to take better care of myself because I think I've got a good thing going there. 

Anyways, reread the italics at the top as I have surely done it again.