Why it is important to consider a man's feelings, even though we all know they don't have any.

I have two conflicting theories. 

The

Men Have Feelings And Are Tragically Repressed theory

and the

Men Don't Have Feelings And The World Is Their Goddamned Oyster theory

Let's dive into theory number 1...

Men Have Feelings and are Tragically Repressed

A woman's plight in life can be mostly categorized as physical ailment. From the gut-ripping experience of her first period (and every period thereafter), to the unreal pain of childbirth, to the hot flashes of menopause, and all the icky things in between. It isn't to say that women aren't also plagued with emotional demons - of course they are - but women have a huge leg up in the world in that they are allowed to have them. Expected, even. As a woman, if I start to cry while watching a tv show, nobody really bats an eye. If I cry during an argument with my husband, no big deal. If I cry just THINKING about the fact that my Georgie's days are numbered (he's only got 10-12 more years for crying out loud), then again, Noooo Problem. While the majority of the world seems unsympathetic to our physical ailments, they seem all too ready to hand us tissues for our issues. 

Men, however...

Their problems are just the opposite. Sure, their bodies go through unpleasant changes, but when is the last time women really gave a shit about what a man looked like? Tony Soprano had a skinny little trophy wife and STILL found time to have affairs. Now, I know he's a fictional character and all, but the scenario is all-too-common and perpetuated in entertainment television. Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Carl Winslow, Doug Heffernan, Jim Belushi...the list goes on. By and large, men are allowed to look however the hell they feel like and women will do that stupid woman thing and see past the exterior to the cozy little pot of gold within. Fine. Great. Grand. So where do men get the short end of the stick? 

Nick was watching a court show one day and told me about a man that had been raped by two women. And I laughed. He said the guy was clearly distraught, beside himself, and I laughed even more. Just what the hell kind of sociopath laughs at rape? Well, when it comes to men, me, apparently. My knee-jerk reaction, of course, was victim shaming. How is it even possible? What'd he do? How big are these ladies and/or how tiny is this dude? After letting the initial wave of immaturity wash over me, I dug deeper and realized what a terrible person I was. 

Now here's an interesting note about that story,

I retold that story to a handful of women, and do you know what their reactions were? They laughed and asked the same questions I did. Only ONE girl showed instant and genuine concern for the poor fellow. Just one.

Take another example:

I am terrified of bees/wasps/spiders/bugs in general. Most folks are. But what are the perks of living with a man in the house? You don't have to kill those things yourself! Hell, even if you Don't live with a man and you're just out in the world when you encounter a winged fiend, simply asking the nearest man for assistance will usually get the job done. Giant spider in the bathroom? AH! Kill it, mister! Swarm of bees by the garage? AH! Kill them, mister! Strange noise in my home that may or may not be a homocidal maniac crawling through my window? AH! Go check it out, mister! Now why on Earth do I (women) believe that men aren't just as terrified as we are? Morever, that even if they ARE terrified, that they should have to suck it up on our behalf? These two stories feed one theory, but I'll give one more example...

My husband recently changed the air filter on his truck. I'd watched my dad do the same thing recently and it seemed to take him no time at all. It didn't strike me as impressive, necessarily. Just something that men do. Cut to Nick spitting sparks over the lack of tools and space to get the job done and, briefly, I thought, "Geez, what kind of man can't change an air filter?" Let me clear about something, I have no fucking clue where the air filter in a car is located, let alone how to change one. Don't know what they look like. Don't know what they cost. I know Nothing about air filters and yet, I expected my husband to know everything about them simply because he is a man and that's what men do. It could have been anything. The engine could have needed taking apart and I would have assumed it was just as painless as watching my dad change his air filter. Nothing to it. Much like the rape story, I had to dig deeper and ask myself why I was holding him to an impossible All Men Are Mechanics standard. He's a man. That's all I could come up with. 

So the theory is this - 

Men feel tired but aren't allowed to be tired because they've got a job to do. 

Men feel scared but aren't allowed to feel scared because they've got a job to do.

Men feel unsure but aren't allowed to feel unsure because they've got a job to do.

Men feel but aren't allowed to feel because they've got a job to do.

Hence their emotional dwarfism.

"He just won't open up to me"

"He never talks about what's on his mind"

"It's like he doesn't even care"

You're all correct, and women play a large part in making them that way.

Men Don't Have Feelings and the World is Their Goddamned Oyster

I get emails from the pregnancy app I have on my phone. It gives me little updates on the baby's growth from week to week and drops helpful little tips and tricks on the days in between. This morning, I got an email with the following headline,

"Will Dad Be a Dud in the Delivery Room?" 

I won't post the entire article, but I will highlight a few sections - 

Understand where he's coming from

"It's in the nature of men to need something tangible and task-oriented to do during a crisis," says Jeanne Faulker, R.N., a labor-and-delivery nurse in Portland, Ore. "But labor tends to involve a lot of sitting and just 'being,' and that's hard for a lot of guys."

[First of all, this lady is suggesting that men should be cut some slack because it's hard to 'be' while their woman is being split in two.]

Consider his comfort level

Some partners are happy to be in the delivery room but have no interest in having a front-row seat. If yours is more of a head-of-the-bed guy, it will be better for both of you if you don't order him to hang out with the doctor at the foot of the bed. "He doesn't have to see every last detail," Abraham says. He doesn't have to cut the umbilical cord, either.

[Again, they're suggesting that men may not want to watch their wives expel blood, feces and a human being. I get that. However, women damn sure don't want to go through it, so why the hell shouldn't he have to watch? Shouldn't we ALL be as uncomfortable as possible?]

Respect his traditions

In some cultures, the idea of a man witnessing childbirth is horrifying. Try not to take it personally. "Some men show up in the delivery room because they want to be an 'American' dad, but it's incredibly uncomfortable for them," Faulker says. "They try, but then realize they just can't be there."

[THEY realize that THEY can't handle it? Their lives remain relatively unchanged. They continue to drink and smoke and lift heavy objects. They eat sushi and rare steak yet cannot fathom the idea of doing something that makes THEM uncomfortable?]

Resist the urge to force him

If the thought of being in the delivery room makes your partner break out in hives, demanding his presence may backfire. "If the man is there grudgingly or neglecting the mother, it contributes to her stress levels, and stress interferes with labor," Simkin says. 

[WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I HAVE TO PAMPER HIM? WHEN DOES THE DOCTOR COME IN AND SAY, "YOU KNOW, MRS. ORTEGA, YOU SEEM AWFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL OF THIS; JUST WAIT IN THE LOBBY AND WE'LL BRING YOUR BABY OUT TO YOU WHEN IT'S ALL OVER".]

Now then, are you familiar with the age old trick of doing something poorly so that you're never asked to do it again? Sure you are. Don't want to wash dishes? Don't use soap. Don't want to do laundry? Don't separate colors and buy as many red socks and white sweaters as possible. Don't want to vacuum? Take an hour to clean a tiny section. 

My other theory is this - 

Men purposefully cop "feelings" just to get them out of uncomfortable situations. 

The real truth is that they don't have any, but they know that they can use fake ones to get things they want and avoid things they don't. 

Getting personal for a moment, I am doomed to give birth in 4 months. 

I am doomed to endure anywhere from 30 minutes of labor to 16 hours,

and there's no guarantee I'll make it to the hospital in time for the epidural. 

I am doomed to deal with the anguish of the physical and emotional trauma on on my body and there is nothing, I say NOTHING, that is going to make any of it any easier or less painful or less impossible to hide afterward. 

For the past five months, my body has rebelled against me. Told me that I cannot take medicine when I'm sick. That I cannot eat what I like to eat. That I cannot drink what I like to drink. Everything for the baby, everything for the baby. And fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. I've got you, baby. You can count on me. 

But what justice is there in Nick, whose life hasn't changed at ALL, being able to eat peanuts in the lobby while I have Our child because he felt "uncomfortable". I don't give a good goddamn how he "feels". Six years I have witnessed his emotionlessness, and now, in the hours of my greatest suffering, he wants to be "considered" and "understood" and "respected"?? Get bent, you goddamned chest cavity. 

Woah! 

I went from relatively vague to super personal there.

Hah. My mistake.

Anyway, the jury is still out on whether or not men are repressed, emotional beings or emotionless monsters who only pretend to have feelings when it's convenient for them. Either way, if you stuck through this then I thank you for letting me blow off some steam. 

Hopefully, the next blog looks less like a pointed finger

and more like an upward thumb.