Alone(ly)

The thought is much larger than myself. Like the fact that maternity pants don't come with functioning pockets, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I have a little more than 3 months left to be alone. I can still drive to the gas station, run in, pick up some garbage snacks, then head back to the apartment without anyone missing me. I can still potty with the door closed. I can still sleep and eat when I want to. I don't have to consider anyone else's livelihood when I clean. I have spent my life being mostly alone in the regard that nobody has really Needed me. 

Being married has been a very strange thing.

We passed our one year anniversary this April and I, personally, don't feel much different. I saw a friend describe marriage as the best thing that ever happened to him. That it completed his life. That it totally transformed his goals, priorities and outlook. The way he talked, I felt fairly convinced that I was doing marriage incorrectly. I still question whether or not we're doing the right thing. Whether we are doomed to repeat our parent's mistakes or whether we will be the ones who prove love really does conquer all. Who knows. One of the chief complaints I have with my marriage is that I don't really feel like I've got a, pardon the expression, "ride or die" partner. In my life, my mom has been my best friend since the beginning. In spite of what a poop I may have been as a young adult, she was ALWAYS there and I knew it. I could call her anytime and KNOW that she had my back. I have become spoiled on that kind of love and the absence of it in my marriage is more than noticeable to me. 

So fast forward to September, when my little Herbert opens his eyes and puts a face to the muffled voice he's been hearing all this time, and he reaches for me. "Mom". He will have in an instant what I have been searching for in a partner my whole life. He will have everything I am and more. He'll have his fair share of upsets in life. Heartbreaks. Panic attacks. Metldowns. Losses. But he will never know what it's like to not have Mom. The Sure Thing. 

Why does this come so naturally for mothers and children and so Not with husbands and wives? It isn't to say this is entirely my husband's fault. Certainly not. There's just something so apprehensive about totally dropping guard for a relative stranger versus family. At the end of the day, isn't that what we really are to each other? Strangers? Two people who never stopped hanging out? Chewing myself and everything else is a lonely and maddening endeavor...

But being alone is almost a past thing. 

I hope to discover the secret to unconditional love so that my husband does not fade into the background. I hope that he does the same. I hope that I can be the superhero to Herbert that my mom is to me. I hope he and George get along. 

I hope I don't hang on too tightly to this alone business.

I hope the loneliness goes away.