Okay Mom. So-So Wife. Terrible Adult.

Okay Mom - 

My little Err-Bear is coming up on 12 weeks old. He's sleeping well at night and smiling more often. He isn't quite grabbing for things consciously yet, but once his hands do get hold of something, it is on par with a trying to pry open a crocodile's mouth to get him to let go. He's making cooing sounds, too. Gurgles and wide-mouthed aaaaahs. He is growing well and I feel I am doing a reasonably okay job at mothering so far. I mean, the dude is still a houseplant. He stays where I put him and keeping him out of harm's way is relatively simple at this stage. I eat like shit, if at all, and I don't drink enough water. I'm sure the breastmilk is lacking compared to most any other mom's milk, but apart from my total lack of nutritional awareness (which I'll get to in the Terrible Adult section), I feel I am doing okay. We're probably making bedtime much more difficult than it has to be in the long run since he sleeps with us most of the time. I'll sit in my recliner and feed him and rock him until he knocks out. I'll put him on my chest and lean back so I can sleep while he sleeps. I wake easily when he fidgets. I am very conscious of his movements and sounds. He is very comfortable sleeping on me (us), but because he is always with us, laying him down in his crib makes him fussy. He'll sleep for maybe 15-30 minutes in there before he's up and crying. I know I'm supposed to "let him cry it out", but I can't bring myself to do it. The way I see it, there's going to come a day when he never sleeps on me again. I'll never get it back. Why rush it? 

So-So Wife - 

First of all, appreciate the fact that as I was typing "So-So Wife", my brain was saying, "Psht, fuck him". I am trying very hard to stop doing this. It is no secret that Nick and I have had our fair share of problems. Most of them concerning alcoholism. Since seeing Herbert (and my birth canal) for the very first time, Nick's alcohol use has dropped off the map. There have been a few hiccups here and there, and believe me, I could have killed him for each one, but overall he's adapted exceptionally well to the increase in stress and decrease in sleep. And do I tell him every day how proud I am of him? No. Do I tell him how handsome I think he is and how grateful I am to him for everything he's done for our family? Of course not. I am very aware of how shitty that makes me. So how do I even manage a so-so rating? Honestly, loving someone you don't have to love is very difficult. In the big scheme of loving, he's a stranger just like all partners are strangers. When he and I fight, it is easy for me to write him off as someone I don't need in my life. I have only ONCE done that to a family member, and it didn't last very long. The forever love one shares with family is the sort of love I strive to have with Nick. That perfect sort of love that one would expect from the deity of their choosing. Everunderstanding. Everpatient. Everadapting. I have a hard enough time having this sort of love for my dog, whose neediness has been a real pain lately. I understand he cannot do things for himself. I understand that I was fully aware of his dogness when I brought him home. Furthermore, I understood that having a baby was going to put strain on everyone within a 15 mile radius of me. Yet still, I catch myself griping at him when he whines for attention. I need to work on this perfect love. 

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life."

Terrible Adult - 

There is never any fucking food in my apartment. Ever. Not in the last three years at least. And WHY is there never any food in my apartment? Because I'm a terrible adult, that's why. When I get paid, 90% of the money goes towards bills. The remaining 10% is spent on fast food because I don't have any time to cook. There's never anything to drink, either. Tap water or nothing at all. Thank God for the ice machine. If I had a little more money to go grocery shopping, I'd buy groceries on an as needed basis so nothing went to waste, the way it used to. If I had a little more time to myself, I'd cook meals that would last several days. If I had more time, I wouldn't feel suffocated by dishes as a result of cooking. There's just no time, you see. No time and no money mean mice move out of my kitchen due to the lack of reasonable living conditions. It is in part due to my want to tackle debt aggressively that I have no money. On paper, and as far the government cares, I make more than enough money to support myself and my family. One giant milkshake I've got! They just don't care about how many straws are poking out of it. The plan is to be relatively big debt-free within 5 years. The vehicles should be paid off. The old credit card debt will have made way for new, hopefully more manageable debt. No more vehicle payments would mean an extra 600 dollars a month almost! Yeah. My terrible adult status is probably temporary, huh? My boy will be starting school roundabouts the time we pay off the cars. Then I'll have time AND money! 

I did do something yesterday that goes towards the mom and adult issues. I bought some lactation cookies. Lemon. If you've never heard of lactation cookies, I was right there with you until I saw them for the first time on the Babies R'US shelves. Big ass bag for 25 dollars. 25 dollars! They claimed they could help boost milk production so I got them thinking that, at the very least, I just bought an insanely expensive, delicious bag of cookies. Let me retype that for people who still aren't hearing me - 

IT'S A BAG OF COOKIES THAT HELPS YOU MAKE YOUR OWN MILK. 

Scratch terrible.

I'm the worst kind of adult because I laughed more than a little at that fact.

More on these stories as they develop.