Wellness Check

I think I've realized why I'm so slow to revive this blog. 

You guys pretty much already know

everything there is to know.

Between the poetry and 365 stuff,

there is next to nothing I could tell you here

that you don't already know, ya know? 

Yoooouuuu knoooowwww.

 

Here's something that'll never make it into a poem or 365 post - 

I, feeling like garbage and lacking a primary care physician, established care with one a few weeks ago. They did blood work and asked me the usual questions.

The doctor's stand in, Jared, was very kind, though he did not mince words when it came to explaining why it is I might be feeling so lousy.

 

Jared - Okay, so how much water are we drinking a day?

Me - Uhhh...well, I mean I drink water when I'm at work. So...a cup?

Jared - ...a cup.

Me - A big cup. One of those 16 ouncers.

Jared - (smiling) Right. A big cup. Okay. And what's our eating like? Fruits? Veggies?

Me - Uhhh......

Jared - An apple a day, maybe?

Me - Well. I mean, I BUY fruit and stuff. But it's mostly for my son. I only eat once a day, really. And it's usually some fast food garbage...

Jared - Sure, I get that. Okay. Exercise?

Me - (head hanging down by this point) I chase a two year old. Does that count?

Jared - Okay so, just to recap, you drink about one cup of water a day, no real vitamin intake, and you chase a two year old. Ms. Ortega, I have good news. I'm pretty sure I know why you feel so run down.

 

He prescribed me birth control as a means of regulating my hormones. Also, he must have smelled my sexual prowess and known that he'd be doing me two favors in one. So he prescribes it and I give 5 vials of blood (to which the nurse reacted, '5 vials?? What's going on, girl??'), and I go about my merry way.

 

I pick up my prescription the next day. Having never been on any sort of birth control before, [side note: Jared asked me what sort of birth control I'm currently using. I told him abstinence, mostly, but added that my ex-husband and I did not routinely use anything. He says, "So you were having regular intercourse without protection and have only had one pregnancy?" He says it in a way that suggests he thinks Nick was just drilling to China in there and I might have a lady bits problem. "No," I say, "I mean, he pulled out." Jared blushes and laughs. He corrects me, "I understand. The 'interruption' method." Pull out is what you do to couches. Silly me.] I didn't know what to expect. 

 

Anyone care to guess how much 3 months worth of birth control was?

Take a guess. I'll wait.

.

.

.

.

.

..

..

...

...

....

 

Well whatever you guessed, you're probably wrong.

Zero dollars. Zee-Row.

What luck! 

 

I get home with it (and a giant bag of Kettle corn) and, with a fistful of salty sweet goodness, google the reviews for this particular drug.

 

The review consensus was as follows:

ahem...

 

STAY FAR AWAY FROM THIS PILL. 

FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU PREFER

AVOID THIS PILL AT ALL COSTS

YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT

YOUR BRAIN WILL ROT OUT

YOUR BODY WILL EXPLODE WITH SADNESS AND ACNE.

 

It was fortuitous to be eating popcorn at the time,

because the reviews read like a fucking horror movie.

 

So what do I do?

Hide them in the iron safe, of course.

I do well enough not throwing myself down the goddamned stairs

without also risking slipping into some balding psychosis. 

 

A few days later, the nurse calls me with blood work results.

 

Hormones - Good

Cholesterol - Good

Thyroid - Normal

Iron - Slightly deficient (what girl isn't?)

Vitamin D - Slightly deficient (sexual prowess notwithstanding)

 

So now I'm doubly confused.

If all my readings are normal, why do I still feel so crummy?

 

That's been several weeks ago and I have a followup appointment

to see the actual doctor - some lady I'm told is nice.

She'll be puttin' me in the stirrups and using the salad tossers

to make sure it's still one cherry tomato down there. 

 

As for the lousiness, what more can I do?

 

Drink more water.

Bite a peach.

Run away.