Turtles All the Way Down

I don't remember the date of my last entry. Checking before I began would have made entirely too much sense. Anyway.

 

November 1st marks an an entire year we've been gone. 

At what point will I stop keeping tally?

I don't know. At what point will you stop asking stupid questions?

I won't hold my breath if you don't hold yours. 

 

I feel I've accomplished so little.

With the help of my entire family, I was able to pay off the house.

And I don't feel much about that except

there is surely something waiting to swoop in

and fill that monthly debt void.

 

Work is unmoving. Rather, I am unmoving and it moves around me.

 

I don't remember if I described the MRI experience to you,

but I'll boil it down to - If I could have one in my room, I'd use it for fun.

The results were clean. No many-armed beast sucking the life from my brain.

So why then am I still in so much pain?

 

Occipital Neuralgia:

Occipital neuralgia can cause intense pain that feels like a sharp, jabbing, electric shock in the back of the head and neck. Other symptoms include:

 

• Aching, burning, and throbbing pain that typically starts at the base of the head and goes to the scalp
• Pain on one or both sides of the head
• Pain behind the eye
• Sensitivity to light
• Tender scalp
• Pain when you move your neck

 

Occipital neuralgia happens when there’s pressure or irritation to your occipital nerves, maybe because of an injury, tight muscles that entrap the nerves, or inflammation. Many times, doctors can’t find a cause for it.

 

So...you remember when I hit my head real hard in the shower? Sure you do. I lost my footing and slammed the back of my head into the wall, remember? And at this age, I was CERTAIN something awful would come of it. I hit it so hard and so perfectly flat, I just knew bad things were coming. But I waited and nothing appeared to happen. No dizziness. No nausea. No vision changes. No headaches even. Lucky me got away Scot free! 

 

Yeah...I guess when I hit, I damaged that network of nerves in the back of my head, because for months now, I've felt this persistent dull ache in the back of my head. It hurts to touch. And when it inflames, it feels like being hit over the head repeatedly with a cast iron skillet. 

 

Is it a lifelong ailment? I don't know. To tell you the truth, I don't even know that this for sure is what's wrong with me. I'm having to play my own doctor because the neurologist is such a backwards bastard. I'm supposed to see him Tuesday. 

Herbert is doing excellent. Though, I'd be lying if I didn't say I had some serious concerns about his behavioral stuff. Here's the deal - 

I live at work and sleep at home. I have to. There is simply no other way. This results in Herb living a largely indoor, sheltered life. I don't discipline him the way I should because I usually just don't have it in me. My family does everything they can to satisfy his core needs. There just isn't much time for outdoor activities and things. He has no siblings. No one his age, period. I am ashamed to admit I let the phone and TV raise him because mom and I just need to SIT sometimes. And he's learning a great deal from these things, just nothing in the way of conversation. 

 

We are humans and we are aging and we are tired.

 

And that's no excuse for neglecting his need to new have experiences, a neglect which has already shown to be detrimental to his development, but damn it. There just isn't any time, I tell you. I work anywhere between 8-18 hours some days. I'm on call always. I get phone calls in the middle of the night that I need to pick up a shift or fix whatever thing. And I go because I can't afford not to.

 

And dumbly/angrily/ridiculously, I think, "Gee, wonder what his dad is doing. Whatever he wants at all times. Right."

 

And that anger sits in my chest and does not leave.

If the squid is in my head, then the bird is in my chest. 

And The Bird. Goddamn. The Bird has been spreading her wings lately.

 

I'll cut this off here because I've got to get to work (actually, I'm already here, I just haven't clocked in yet).

Maybe I can finish later.